Friday, October 29, 2010

Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope.

October 15th was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. On that day, I heard about a website from a friend where women were sharing their stories of loss along with a picture of their face. It's called "Faces Of Loss, Faces Of Hope". I went to the site and submitted my story. It was published today. It is from a prior blog post , but I did add some more details on it. I love that this site is trying to give support to women going thru something that most women will not talk about. Miscarriage is very common, yet very taboo.


Molar Pregnancy
December 10, 2008
Acworth, GA

I always wanted my children close in age. 2 years apart at the most. I was so excited when I got pregnant and found out they were going to be 21 months apart. PERFECT!! Everything was going well, I had early blood work (around 5 weeks) because I was spotting. I had low progesterone with my son so I was started on progesterone just as a precaution. My hCG was doubling like it should so I was reassured that the spotting was normal.

I had my first official OBGYN appointment at 8 weeks, 6 days. I was excited for the ultrasound. To see that little heartbeat. When we got to the office they took us back to the ultrasound room. It was the probe ultrasound, which is vaginally. As soon as the tech put the probe in, I knew something was wrong. I could see nothing. No sack, no baby, nothing. Just white. Like a snowstorm. That's when the tech started asking questions. Were my periods regular? Had I had any bleeding. She then told me what I knew already, that there was no baby.

I was sent back to the waiting room to wait for my doctor to come talk to me. My doctor was in a large practice of maybe 20 doctors that saw everything from pregnancies, to elderly patients, to general sickness. The waiting room I was put into was the one for the ultrasounds. I could not stop crying, and I think they realized that I was sitting in the waiting room with pregnant women, so they took me back to an actual room to wait on my doctor.

What seems like hours passed, even though I am sure it was only a few minutes? My midwife walked into the room and said that my doctor was still at the hospital so she was going to talk to me. She explained to me that I had a molar pregnancy. If you don't know what that is, welcome, I had no clue until this day. Apparently a complete (you can have a partial one too, I had a complete) molar pregnancy is when an "empty" egg is fertilized. The cells/tissue that forms the placenta then grows out of control, taking over everything inside your uterus. A baby never forms in a complete mole. She said that she had to look it up in her books before coming to talk to me because it was so rare.

After she explained to me what was going on, she told me that they would do a chest x-ray because the cells are pre-cancerous, and can travel in your body, growing elsewhere. She explained that I would have to go thru many months of blood work after the surgery to make sure that the molar is not growing back. She told me that I should not get pregnant for 6 months to a year after the molar pregnancy. She then asked me if I wanted to schedule my D&C for the following Friday (this all happened on a Wednesday) because my doctor would be working then. I told her it did not matter to me who preformed the surgery that I wanted it done ASAP since this could cause cancer if left inside much longer. I was sent straight from my doctor’s office to the hospital for surgery.

The waiting for the surgery was the worst part. I remember sitting in the waiting room for hours with my toddler. I remember thinking it was all a dream that I would wake up at any second. I remember just wanting to run out of the hospital. I remember talking to the anesthesiologist and the nurses asking questions. I remember wondering why my husband was gone for so long when he went down to meet a friend to take our toddler. I remember thinking I was going to be alone when they took me back. I remember kissing my husband good bye just before they took me back. I remember being wheeled back on the hospital bed for surgery. The long hallways, the double doors to the operating room, the bright lights of the room. That is the last thing I remember, the operating room. I was put under for the actual procedure so I do not remember any part of it. I remember waking up and shaking so hard. I remember crying.

I was released from the hospital shortly after the surgery and went home to snuggle with my son and husband. I went through 3 months of weekly blood work to ensure that the molar pregnancy was not returning and then I was given the approval from my doctor to try to conceive again. My body healed quickly, but my spirit took much longer to heal.

Women are emotional creatures. As soon as the stick turned pink I had dreams for this child. When I was first told it was never a baby I was appalled. I was pregnant, and to me that meant a baby. Looking back almost 2 years later I am comforted in the fact that it was never truly a baby. It makes the loss a little bit easier to deal with.

See my story on their site here. Do you have a story to share also? Your story may be what another woman who is going thru the same thing needs to see.


The Funk Continues

I am still in my funk. I really hope to get out of it soon. My house is starting to look like a war zone. Laundry spewed from the dryer, kids toys scattered about on the floor. But I have somewhat of an excuse.

Wednesday night Little Man woke us up screaming that his ears hurt. Nice. He proceeded to wake us up every 45-60 minutes even after the maximum dose of Tylenol was given. Poor thing was S-I-C-K. He never gets sick! He has had 2 ear infections and 2 cases of strep in his 3 years of life, which is pretty good for a toddler these days!

I carried him to the pediatrician on Thursday morning and he has bilateral ear infections. I went ahead and got Little Miracle checked out too since we were there, and he just has a cold. Top that off with my cold, and we are in hell over here.

Thursday was spent sleeping and cuddling with my Little Man and today I got some laundry done, but no where near as much as I needed to. I just don't have the energy.

I'm complaining. Yes, I know.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Is It Too Early For The Winter Blues?

I'm in a funk. With my life, my marriage, my house, my kids. Mama needs a day off.

I think it has to do with the season change. Fall brings winter, and I HATE winter. Is it too early for the winder blues?

Fall is such a busy time. I love to go to pumpkin patches, fall festivals, you know, do family stuff on the weekends in the fall. We haven’t been able to do much because my husbands work is sucking every free weekend away from him. I am thankful he has a job, but this one is starting to get the best of me. His phone is always ringing. People call him at 9 pm on Sunday night to ask him questions.

Our house needs so much work. When we moved in a little over a year ago we knew what we wanted to do to it. We had grand plans. Re-do the kitchen, paint the outside of the house, fix the banister… then Little Miracle was born, and we got settled in. We have done a few things to the house, but I want to do so much more. I have made my house a home, but I want to keep working on things!

We are stuck in a rut in our marriage. We fight about the small things and it is really starting to get to me. When Stephen gets home from work he is tired and just wants to relax but I want to get some things done. I need him to watch the kids so I can do things that are hard to do when you have a toddler and a screaming infant. I have to juggle the house and kids all day. It is part of being a SAHM. I wouldn’t change it for the world, but we need some US time . Us time is impossible because Little Miracle is the world’s fussiest baby so I feel bad for babysitters. He will scream the entire time we (read, me) are gone and I can not let that happen. How do parents of fussy babies get us time? Between Stephens work and school, the kids and the house stuff, we don’t get any time to just go out and be us anymore.

Little Man is getting to the “terrible” threes. He is not listening anymore. He has started fighting me on every little thing. I know this is part of this age, but I miss my sweet Little Man that was SO well behaved. I am sticking to my guns and not letting him get away with many things. I am hoping he outgrows this stage quickly!

Little Miracle is still up several times at night. He wakes up screaming and will hardly ever calm down unless he gets to nurse. Little Man didn’t sleep thru the night until 14 months but he would at least let daddy rock him back to sleep. He loves his mama, which is fine by me, but it is mentally draining to have a baby scream for you all day and night and not go to anyone else.

We all have the snots right now too. The change of season hates me and my sinuses and it looks like my kids have that too. We all can not breathe out of our noses and the kids have runny, icky noses too.

I love my kids and my husband, please don't get me wrong on this. I am just in a rut. I know it will get better but I want to hibernate until spring.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

A Letter To My Little Man

I have seen many bloggers do this, so I decided to do the same today. My words are not wanting to come tonight, I am still in disbelief that my first born is about to be 3 years old.

Dear Little Man,

You are mere hours from turning 3 years old, and Mama can not believe it. It seems like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant with you. I was so happy! You were an easy pregnancy and a lot of work to deliver.

You are the light of my life. When you were born, I had no clue what I was doing. I was scared to bring you home but you were a very easy going baby, and you are still pretty easy going. You never wanted to sleep. Always wanted to see what was gong on in your world. You were a little flirt from the day you learned how to smile, and you still are. Your bright blue eyes got you the most compliments when you were a baby, and they still do today. You were born with lots of hair and Mama has done a good job keeping Daddy away from your locks. If it was up to Daddy, your hair would be short.

You seemed to do things on your own time as a baby. You were the last of your friends to sit up, the last of your peers to crawl. You never rocked on your hands and knees to learn to crawl. You really only crawled for a few weeks before you were done with it. You never really took a few steps then fell, your first time walking was across a room and you never looked back. You wait to do something when you know you can do it. You have so much confidence in yourself.

You have always been a sweetheart. Always been a Mamas boy. And Mama would not have it any other way. You were nursed and rocked to sleep every night. You still ask to be rocked. Mama rocked you tonight and sung “Happy Birthday” to you three times. As soon as you learned to say please and thank-you, you used it almost constantly. You have always loved music and still love to dance. You are wicked smart and love to learn. I can not wait to start homeschooling you. You love to play outside and love your Frisbee. You love to swim.

I am very proud of the little man you are becoming. I love having conversations with you. The things you say always make me laugh. I love the way you rub your eyes when you are tired. I love the way you crawl up into my bed in the morning and kiss me a million times to wake me up. I love everything about you. I can not wait to see what the next year has to offer. I can not wait to see the man you grow up to be, but I want to cherish your every minute right now.

I love you.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

New Hobby

Do you like to be outdoors?

Do you like to use technology?

Would you like to find hidden boxes?

Then you would LOVE our new hobby!!

We have been introduced to geocaching. It "is a high-tech treasure hunting game played throughout the world by adventure seekers equipped with GPS devices. The basic idea is to locate hidden containers, called geocaches, outdoors and then share your experiences online. Geocaching is enjoyed by people from all age groups, with a strong sense of community and support for the environment."

How did we get into this, you ask?

Well, I was watching Dinosaur Train on PBS with Little Man one morning, and they directed me to their website. I went to the site for something else, and noticed something about Geocaching on the site. Having heard a little about geocaching before, I clicked on the link and noticed there was a box located at a park we go to all the time.

A few weeks passed before we got to the park. When we got there I had completely forgotten about geocaching. We were walking on the trail around the park when I remembered about the box. Having a smart phone comes in handy sometimes! I pulled up the website, then the coordinates. I punched them into my GPS application on my phone, and we went straight to the box area. After a little hunting in the wrong direction, I turned around and spotted it!


Do you see it?

I was so excited! I brought the box out of the tree line so Stephen and Little Man could open it with me. When we opened it, there was a paper explaining what it was in case you found it on accident. There was a log book to sign, and several small trinkets.

We signed the log and let Little Man pick out a trinket.


He took the puzzle cube and we left a green light that was on my key chain. We were hooked!! I got home and logged our find online and started looking for more in our area.

In the next few days we found many more. Some are hidden out in the open, some are cleverly hidden. We found one hanging in a tree, one in a hole in a tree, several on the ground, one way up on top of a hill.


They are hidden in all different types of containers. One was a travel soap container, one was an Altoids tin, several were like Tupperware containers, and several were ammo boxes.


They all contain different things. Some have just a log, some have logs and trinkets. Some contain travel bugs which are small trackable things. I had a travel bug in my hand that came from the Netherlands, and one that came from Washington state. You pick them up, log that you have it, then see where it is headed. You then find a cache closer to its final destination, and place it in that cache for someone else to help it on its way. One cache we found yesterday had a picture album in it for you to put your picture in it when you found it.

So far, we have found 12 (there are over 1.2 million hidden). It is quickly becoming a favorite hobby.

Check it out at